I've been avoiding this.

I know I'm waiting for a day when I will have some couragous, spiritual thing to say, sure that one more dark post will just be too much for everyone. I had a comment one day remarking on how pessimistic I am. I know I'm not handling this whole thing right, but the fact is that this is me right now and I don't know how to be anything else. And I feel ashamed because of it, and unlovable-defective. The truth about me is coming out for all to see. I just can't seem to get it together.

I saw a clip the other day in one of my classes. The researcher(Harlow) was studying attachment and its effects on development. They gave this little baby monkey a choice between two wire mothers. One mother had a bottle attached but no padding for the wire. The other mother had soft padding but no bottle. The baby chose the padded mother every time. She chose comfort over food. When both mothers were taken away, the baby just paced, holding her hands over her face, sort of autistic-like. She didn't know how to interact with her peers properly. She was just distraught.

This is how I feel. I was attached-in my fear, I chose a comfort that could never fill my hunger. And now my comfort is gone and I pace, with my head in my hands, lost.

Jesus knew I would starve to death rather than let go, because I only saw two choices in life. Empty comfort or comfortless nourishment. He is the only combination of both, isn't he? Once again, I recognize a severe mercy in my deliverance from this relationship.

I know the answer would be that I find Jesus as my source of comfort now-He would provide not only comfort, but true sustenance. How? How? How? Everything is just pitch black with pain.