Eight years. Eight years we were together. We were best friends. We did everything together. Even going to the grocery store, he would follow me around and tease me. I know I did the right thing leaving him, but there is such an empty hole left behind. He was my partner in the pack(see previous entry). And when I left, he choose to stay behind. He found another to take my place. I can barely think of it.
I miss him. The pain of this loss is just stripping me bare, taking the breath right out of me.
Another man abandoning my boys. I will never put them through this again. The pain of realizing what I have done to them. The sobering reality of life without a partner, probably for the rest of my life is setting in. People say I'll meet a good man now. Right- a good man that wants to take on 5 sons and a woman without means. I hear in my heart that I will be alone. My only hope for them is trusting that he means what he says when he says he will be a father to the fatherless. Please pray for my sons. They have never known a good man in their life. Hell, I have never known a good man in my life. Do they exist?
4 comments:
One of my biggest regrets in parenthood has been seeing my kids have to deal with the fallout of my baggage. I do trust though that God is bigger than my baggage and their pain...he was bigger than my parents' issues and I have to trust he will be bigger than my kids' issues. But it doesn't make it easier to own some days. Peace to you as you heal and raise your sons. There are good men out there.
jan, could you send me your email address? i'd like to write to you privately -
pdaulerio@comcast.net.
*unless you don't want me to, then i'd understand and post patently profound mutterings in your comments that would leave me vulnerable and wounded.
and at times, looking silly.
that's cool :)*
great authenticity.
Yes, good men exist. (At least one does, but he's already married to me.) ;)
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