It feels hard to write today. Hard to put words together. Hard to think. I wish I had some uplifting, funny piece to write-inspiring, thought-provoking things to say, but it's just more of the same. Be warned.

Later on in the day on Wednesday, I had a major meltdown. I ended humiliating myself with Steve, leaving him crazy, hysterical messages and just basically making a fool of myself. I told him I couldn't handle him coming over for Thanksgiving and that I really couldn't handle seeing him at all. It was a very sad, pathetic way to say good-bye to someone I loved for 8 years. He told me I was a selfish bitch and wished me well. There was truth in the things he was trying to say to me and I was just to crazed to listen.

At any rate, it is all over. No more friendship, no more phone calls, he won't be stopping by anymore. I've made him hate me.

So, it feels today, like he has left me all over again, only this feels so final. I know this is a boundary that will have to be upheld for quite some time. I know it needs to be like this. It just hurts so much.

There is a huge hole left in me, in my life. I don't know how to be today. I want to just fall in that hole and have the dirt filled in on top of me. How do I do this? How do I stand it? The depression is so black and dark and the practical details of this fallout seem without solution. I have no money, no income at the moment, school seems impossible. The past and future are two bottomless pits on either side of my path.

How do people survive these kinds of things? I have such admiration for those who have.