I can't see my way, don't know my next step. I can't believe I will actually survive this-this endless wilderness of grief.
I find myself alone in a vast expanse of highland, nothing in sight as far as the eye can see , but the grey gloom of wildness and crag-so small against the looming landscape. It won't do any good to run, to search, to seek-there's no where to go, it all looks the same. I can't even find a hole to crawl in. All I can do is sit in the midst of it all and wait and hope to sleep and wake up to find it's all just been a ghastly nightmare. Or maybe to be quick prey for a hungry wolf, a kind act of nature putting the wounded out of their misery.
I don't have any faith and I despise myself for that. I find myself not believing. And we all know that is a cosmic no-no. I wish he would send the lightening b0lt and get it over with-turn me back to dust. Game Over.
9 comments:
no no no no no.
call me. please. hang on, girl. just hang on. your boys need you. you are their mama and they would be lost without you. make it about them right now and not you -- make it be about being their mother, as if nothing else matters other than those beautiful boys of yours.
you can do it, you are much stronger than you think you are. reach out, get help, get yourself to the nearest hospital, call an 800 number for crises intervention, anything you can do jan.
i am praying, i am on my face before the throne of God, praying for you girl. hang on.
Philip Yancey says faith is believing in advance what makes sense only in reverse. Hang in there. The only way through is through . . . and you can do it.
Jan, I am with you girl, I wish we could talk. I know that feeling of total despair - I truly know it. It sucks the energy out of you, the pain is strong, yet its more like a dull ache that touches every part of your being. You can get through this grayness...you don't even have to have faith at this moment...just let us pray for you and you just hold on. The faith will come later.
You are a good person, wise, intuitive, passionate and a very sensitive person - that's the typical type of person that can even experience this kind of depression.
Hang on, like M2 said. We are here for you. I'm going to email my number but I'll call you I have long distance coverage.
That fact that you say you have no faith proves that you do indeed have faith. I know they may sound bizzare, but it is true. If you had no faith, you would not care if you had no faith and it would not bug you. Satin and his minions are working on you
I am praying like crazy for you...
Wishing we could come and surround you with a hug. Hang in there Jan. Whatever you are feeling will pass. It will. Minute by minute hang in there. Praying for you.
Please let us know how you are, we care.
One more lifting you up in prayer.
There is no lightning bolt.
He's big enough for your doubt.
He's big enough for your fear and anger.
You are loved.
You are beautiful.
You matter.
You are precious.
You are a great mother.
hi jan,
i'm praying too. i also have 5 kids and am intimately acquainted with depression...you stopped by my blog today and left a comment...if you ever want to 'talk shop' i'm at adogwoman@hotmail.com
Again, I am deeply touched by the kindness of strangers, although you all are feeling much less like strangers to me.
I am beginning to feel God's love holding me up and I know it is because you all have prayed. Your words of encouragement have strengthened me. The heavy darkness that has been pressing down so hard is letting up.
Thank you with all my heart for going to battle on our behalf.
Jan
Jan
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