I am suffering. I have no one to talk to. I want to drink so that I don't have to feel the way I feel for a little while. He is with her this weekend-brilliant, beautiful her. On a trip to Leadville to finalize a plan for her new gallery(Rita is a famuous artist here in the Southwest and her paintings are truly stunning).
And I am here, my pain oozing out all over the place, making such a mess. I know this is probably too much disclosure and inappropriate somehow, but I hear so much in this blog world about ministering to the poor and needy and messy, and I, at this point, am that.
Please. Please help me. Please talk to me. Please, help me remember Jesus. Remind me of why I need to keep living this life. I don't want to be here. I've struggled all my life with not wanting to be here and this has just intensified the struggle immensely. Call it self-pity, lack of gratitude, failure to renew my mind, call it what ever you want and you are probably right, but still, the dilemma. The despair. I want to die. I can't see hope. My children deserve better. I've made such a mess of things that there seems no way to fix.
My most shameful fear is really coming to pass. I am alone. No family here, no friends, no Steve...nobody. And God, I don't know how to find Him. The church I used to go to would probably tell me that God is going to use this to teach me how to trust Him and to know that He is with me--and they are probably right. But really, do they have to leave me to myself completely?Is there not a time to have someone sit and hold your hand while you cry?I feel punished-like I'm simply getting what i deserve. The last person at church I talked to said that this is all consequences of my sin and choices. True-but yet...where do I go from here? I can't find my way. I'm sorry.
8 comments:
Jan,
I am listening. I am reading. YOU are worth fighting for!! I am holding your arms up in prayer. I love you, sis. You are a blessing to me.
Kate
jan, i feel your pain so much so that i can empathise for you. i am not going to sit here and tell you that this is what you get because of your choices - quite frankly, no shit we all understand we reap what we sow. however, were you aware this man was going to reek havoc on your life in such a way? if you had no warning signals, it's hard to prepare for this type of storm.
and this type of storm totally sucks. it is a pit that you feel you cannot come out of, it is a darkness you cannot even comprehend yet deal with alone.
you aren't alone. i was in a pit just like yours and my pit was self-induced because of my choices. it took me a while to come out of the pit and i am going to make a few suggestions, which i will also follow up with in an email.
i don't know what *religion* you are, but if you can find a church that is open 24 hours, a Catholic one would be my suggestion since i am Catholic of course, but a place where you can run for refuge? look for one on the internet at masstimes.org and you put in your zip code and they will give you on return information for all the churches in your area, complete with addresses and phone numbers.
find one that is open 24 hours for adoration (which i will explain what that means at a later date if you are interested) and just go and sit. sit and cry. sit and pray, sit in the silence of that church, that holy place, and use it as your sanctuary. sit and contemplate, sit and read. pray and pray and talk to Jesus, who is closer to you than a brother, and tell Him exactly how you feel. He is there for you, He is there in the midst of all of this, jan, and He's holding you up. it is so hard when you cannot feel Him or touch Him or taste Him, but change your prayers around so the desire and ache you feel for steve will become a desire and ache to be with Jesus. we are disordered in our thinking and when we turn our prayers around and seek the source of all Light, our lives start to come into balance.
it won't be over night, but it will be a start.
also, i cannot recommend therapy enough. i found a therapist who was spot-on as to why i did what i did, helped me seek Jesus in a way i had never sought Him before, listened without judging, was objective every single time, even when i backslid in my *thing* and helped me more than i can even put into words here. i am already lengthy enough :)
also, you may be a prime candidate or antidepressants - it may not be something you need to keep yourself on forever because depression can be situational, but they help bring up your seratonin levels and help me fly below the radar when it comes to my anxieties. i am one of those folks who have to be on them all the time, my levels are not situational, they are physiological, but again, that's another story.
all this is to say we are listening. we are praying for you, we are here for you, we care about you. and God is there with you, right in the thick of it.
~peace, my friend~
i'm so sorry Jan.. wish i could hold your hand through it.
i'm at a loss for words, but you will not be far from my thoughts and prayers.
jeff
I understand about wanting to drink so that you don't have to feel the way you do. Been there so many times I can't count them. The only crappy thing is that on the other side of the drink the same pain awaits.
You can't fix it. Only God can. You can deal with your issues. Your kids have to deal with their own. Dealing with your issues is the biggest gift you can give yourself and them. I am speaking to myself here too. I have to keep telling myself this so that I keep putting one foot in front of another in the healing journey.
My biggest fear is being alone too.
Jan, I am so sorry I have not read your blog in the last few days! Please forgive me....
First of all, I'd like to punch the person in the nose from your old church to teach them a lesson, the lesson that all Christians need grace (especially one like me who would acutally punch someone in the nose for hurting someone I care about).
Second, like M2, I can empathize too, I am crying along with you. I sometimes wish I could take on other people's pain for them if it would take away my own - that's how bad it can get at times. Lying on the bed curled up in a ball just crying. But the storm passes, it really does.
Please, please, please email me if you need to talk and I will call you on the phone if you want. The first time I "met" you God gave me a sincere loving concern for you. You may feel alone, you may be alone physically - but you are NOT alone...okay????
Someone to hold your hand while you cry.....
There is someone and I pray that they hear this need in you...I pray that they hear it and recognize that THAT IS what you need right now....just a listening ear...
Praying big bold prayers that the right person comes to you and that you both recognize it...until then we are here and listening....
My heart goes out to you.
Thank you all so much. This is more friendship and kindness than I have experienced for a long time. I am feeling better just because of it.
Jan
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